Every Little Kindness Hurt
by Argyle.S
Summary: Gay boys don't get crushes on their friends wives.


Pairing: Lily/James, Lily/Remus (Unrequited), Remus/Sirius

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter and all associated characters, places, spells etc. belong to J. K. Rowling. I am just borrowing them for a use I'm rather sure she wouldn't approve of. No money is being made.

Warnings: Het, Slash, Masturbation, Nonconsensual Voyeurism.

* * *

The pain was always the first thing he was aware of. The main of fresh bites and scratches, the blinding agony of his guts crawling back into the right place while his bones flexed and bent and reshaped themselves.

When it was done, when he was human again, he collapsed into the cushioning charm Lily had put on the bottom of the cage. It was such a simple thing, so thoughtful, so very Lily. When they'd put his cage in, she'd spent the whole week charming it. There were cushioning charms on every inch of it, charms to ease his pain, and a charm that made the wolf sleep. The wolf fought it, bit itself and scratched trying to stay awake, but eventually the charm worked.

As bad as he felt, thanks to the charms he didn't feel that bad. Half an hour of biting and scratching was far better than a whole night.

He reached through the bars of the cage and pulled the padlock inside. It took him three tries before he managed to steady his hands enough to actually get the combination right. When he finally did manage it, the padlock and the five separate locking charms on the cage all opened and Remus crawled out and struggled to his feet. The room wasn't particularly large, even after James and Sirius had magically expanded it, but walking across it was a challenge. Especially the ward. Lily had keyed it so it responded to the wolf. The ward was like a solid wall to the wolf, though normally, he could pass through just fine. This close to the full moon, it was like swimming through treacle.

Then there was the trunk. The wolf, even if he had been able to escape the cage and get past the ward, would never go near the truck. It was covered in a think layer of silver. In his human form, that didn't present a problem to Remus, but the slightest touch would have burned the wolf like a red-hot brand.

He opened the truck and downed the Soothing Solution, Curing Concoction and Energizing Elixir Peter brewed for him. As the potions took effect, the bone deep aches eased, his wounds closed themselves and the crushing weight of fatigue lightened, leaving him merely exhausted.

He pulled on his dressing gown and took his wand out of the silver wand box in the bottom of the trunk. With a quick wave, he turned a section of the solid stone wall back into a door.

He stood there for a moment wondering if he resented being here. When Death Eaters had started killing off werewolves, Lily had insisted Remus start spending his full moons in the basement. He could understand the elaborate precautions she's set up, and he was honestly grateful at the things she'd done to make his transformations easier, but he couldn't help but wonder if it had been her way of protecting James more than him. She'd been so horrified when she found out that James, Sirius and Peter spent time with the wolf, even as animals.

He felt guilty the moment the thought crossed his mind. Lily had every reason to be horrified by his very presence. Instead, she invited him into her home. She protected him when he couldn't protect himself. Worst of all, even if she was simply trying to protect her husband, she had that right.

It wasn't even her fault Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs weren't there. Sirius was off with Dung, doing their best to track down where the Death Eaters were getting their hands on Veratiserum. It was a good bet Snape was making it, but all purchases of two of the key ingredients were tracked by the ministry and he wasn't buying any. James was in Bulgaria with Kingsley trying to keep an eye on what was going on at Durmstrung, and Peter was off meeting with one of his informants. How Peter had managed to get a line into the Death Eaters was still something of a mystery, but his information had helped them stop half a dozen murders.

All of which left him and Lily behind. Him, because he wasn't suitable for any assignment during the week of the full moon. Her, because her skill as a Charmer was far to valuable to the Order to risk on field work.

He hated it. Just like he hated a lot of things. He hated the fact that two years out of Hogwarts he still didn't have a job. He hated the look and the whispers. He hated that half the Order didn't trust him. He hated the cage, because no mater how comfortable Lily made it, it was still a cage.

The door opened with a simple Alohamora charm. He needed to escape his comfortable little prison before he started brooding on what was really bothering him. Hating Lily for it would be easy, but it wouldn't be fair.

When he reached the kitchen he found a tall stack of buttered toast and a pot of chamomile tea, both kept warm for him by one of Lily's charms. The part of him that ached with hunger was grateful. The rest of him was annoyed at the gratitude.

It wasn't enough to invite him into her home when no one else would have him. It wasn't enough to protect him when no one else thought he deserved protection. It wasn't enough to set charms that prevented him from injuring himself too horribly when no one else could be bothered.

Lily just had to go and make him breakfast. But even that didn't satisfy her. Not Lily. She couldn't make him bacon and eggs and a pile of food that would turn his stomach and send him rushing to the loo to empty it. No, she had to notice that he never ate anything other than toast after his transformations. She had to realize that waking up with the taste of his own blood in his mouth left him nauseous for hours. She had to notice that he preferred plain chamomile in the mornings after to the chamomile peppermint blend he drank any other morning.

She even had to charm a healer's candle to light itself the moment he sat down. As he breathed in the sent of Eucalyptus, Peppermint and Lemongrass he felt the last of the muscle aches fade.

He added Mandrake Blossom honey to his tea and wondered if being made into a rug would be a less painful option.

He heard the voices as he climbed the stairs and reached for his wand. Chances are it was just Sirius or Peter back early, but he couldn't figure out why they would be upstairs instead of waiting for him in the kitchen. James wasn't due back from Bulgaria for at least two more weeks. Which left him with the sickening conclusion that someone else was upstairs.

Lily wasn't the kind of person who just casually invited people up to her bedroom, but the voices were coming from definitely coming from Lily's bedroom. Two of them. One was male.

He tried not to panic. He tried not to imagine Lily helpless, surrounded by a group of Death Eaters. If she was in trouble, he needed to be calm. All breaking the door down would do would be to get him caught or killed.

If they'd known he was here, they would have come for him already. They must have thought the breakfast was for James. They'd wait for him to come up and see his wife, then...

He needed to know what was going on in that room before he did anything.

Then it hit him. He raised his wand and worked a charm Sirius insisted had nothing to do with the fact that the girls and boys showers in Gryffindor tower shared a wall.

The wall separating James and Lily's bedroom from the first floor hall seemed to vanish and the voices became clear.

Lily was laying on the bed wearing the off white wrap around night dress Alice Longbottom had given her for her first anniversary just six weeks ago and for a moment, Remus was stunned. Lily had her right foot drawn up by her left knee, and the nightdress had fallen open, leaving her leg bare. He couldn't take his eyes off the pale skin of her inner thigh.

"I'm sorry Lily, I really am, but what we're doing here is important. Durmstrung is being turned into a training camp for Voldemort."

It was James' voice. Remus looked around for him, suddenly full of guilt and shame. It took him a moment to realize the voice was coming from the mirror Lily was holding.

She sighed. "I know James, but it's lonely here. I miss having company."

"Isn't Moony there?"

"Well, that's not really the same now, is it?"

"Well, I suppose not."

Lily huffed. "James, sometimes I think you keep those antlers where your brain should be."

"What?"

"James, your *wife* is telling you she's lonely."

"Oh. OH!"

She laughed. "I love you, but God you're thick sometimes."

"Sorry. I had a long night."

"Are you too tired?"

"No. Just give me a minute to lock the door."

Lily picked her wand up and touched it to the mirror. "Wingardium Leviosa. Engorgio." The mirror floated up above her and stretched out into a full-length mirror.

Remus heard James cast a locking charm and an imperturbable charm before casting the same charms Lily had.

"Remind me to thank Sirius for these mirrors again." Lily said.

"Sure, if you remind me to thank your mum for those legs of yours."

Lily blushed, but she reached for the tie on her left side that held the gown closed.

"Bet I know something else you'd like."

Remus knew he should cancel the charm and leave. He could explain everything up until now away as checking on Lily's safety. But now he was intruding where he didn't belong.

Yes, he'd cancel the charm, go to bed, have a wank and think about Sirius. That's exactly what he would do.

Except when Lily opened the right side of the gown, baring one of her breasts, Remus was still standing there watching. Worse, he wasn't the only thing standing.

She ran the tips of her fingers over her nipple and Remus licked his lips as it hardened.

She moaned as she squeezed the entire breast and her hips rocked up.

"God, Lily," James said.

"Touch yourself for me," she said.

Remus bit his lip. She wasn't talking to him. He shouldn't be watching this. He shouldn't be watching as she pulled loose the second tie on the night dress. Shouldn't be watching as she pulled the satin back to bear herself completely to her husband.

She was married. He had a lover.

"That's right," she whispered. "Wrap your hand around it."

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt his hand slip inside his dressing gown. He shook himself. He wasn't going to do this.

Lily's fingers slipped down into the thick mass of red curls between her legs.

"I want you. I want to feel you inside me."

She spread her legs and he had a clear view as she slipped two fingers inside herself.

He wrapped his hand around his cock, hating himself for it. Hating himself for how much he wanted to use it to replace her fingers.

She was kneading her breast with her left hand while she filled herself with the fingers of her right hand.

"Oh, yeah" she said as she closed her eyes, "Like that. Just like that."

She arched her back and her breathing grew ragged.

"I love you," she said. "God, James, I love you."

The spell was broken. Remus suddenly found himself limp in his own hand and overwhelmed by shame.

He canceled the charm on the wall and went to bed.

It didn't stop him from hearing Lily's orgasm a few minutes later.

"Make love to me," he said as Sirius slipped into bed behind him.

He waited a moment while Sirius imperturbed the door. Then Sirius kissed him. It was rough and hot and wet and not what he wanted. He wanted soft and warm and gentle. He wanted to be taken care of instead of just taken. He wanted to be held and missed. He wanted someone who would blush when he complemented them. He wanted someone who would leave out a healers candle and Mandrake Honey.

He loved Sirius. He really, really did. But as Sirius rolled on a condom, he felt a surge of annoyance that Sirius hadn't even asked if he'd wanted Sirius inside him or if he wanted to be inside Sirius.

He watched as Sirius smeared the lube on, and he opened his legs willingly. He even lifted his hips so Sirius could put a pillow under them.

He relaxed as he felt Sirius press against his entrance, and when Sirius took too long, he wrapped his legs around his waist and pulled Sirius forward.

"Feeling anxious, Moony?"

Remus ignored him.

Sirius just gave a little bark of laughter and started shagging him. Remus closed his eyes and imagined long red hair and heaving, round breasts. He imagined a soft, kind voice asking if he liked it.

He told himself it was just a crush. He told himself gay boys didn't fall in love with their friends' wives.

He looked up at Sirius. He loved Sirius. He'd loved Sirius for years. He didn't resent Sirius for the prank. He didn't resent Sirius for not telling him what he was doing when he was out with Dung. He didn't hate Sirius for not trusting him.

He loved Sirius. He loved the play of candlelight across Sirius' sweat slicked abs. He loved to watch the flex of Sirius' muscles as Sirius fucked him. He had to love Sirius. Who else would have him?

Not the kind of person who would cast cushioning charms and leaving a warming charm on breakfast. Not the kind of person who'd know what kind of tea to make him. Not the kind of person who'd slip into his bedroom and tuck him in just an hour after he'd violated her privacy horribly.

He gasped as Sirius twisted his hips to hit that special spot. His hands twisted in the sheets as he got harder and harder. He closed his eyes and focused on what his body felt, on the slight stretching sensation every time Sirius thrust into him and on the heavenly feeling of his cock grinding against Sirius' stomach.

He turned his face and bit down on the pillow as he came.

And a few minutes later, he tried not to imagine how the kiss would have felt if it was Lily's soft pink lips instead of Sirius' rough, chapped ones. He tried not to imagine what it would be like to fall asleep next to someone who thought of him without having to be reminded. He tried to remember it was Sirius he loved.

And desperately, desperately, he tried to forget how much every little kindness hurt.


End file.
